*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Batman v Dracula
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.