*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”