When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.