Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan