when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.