[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
crazy
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
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