*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
2022 will be better than 2021
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.