I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit