Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
A Short Story.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.