Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”