*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
That’s what I call a flat tire
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME