*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
They must have gotten it to go.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
o shit
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.