*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.