{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom