@BadIuckBrian: Goes to church to find God's love. Friendzoned.
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@Dildo_Hitler: *sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart* "hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?" "YES. AISLE B, BACK"
@SocialustGal13: My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.
@Rollmaninoz: Coworker: you play any sports Me: yeah but I've had to take a break from it CW: oh..Injury? Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
@undeadmolly: Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.