How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry