*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time