<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*