“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828