Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.