me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me trying to walk in a dream
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
🍞🦆
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke