*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
me adding lol on a serious message
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.