*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*