[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
He a real one for that
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.