*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader