*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Worst Native American name ever.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.