*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
titanic
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here