*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Finally, a door that understands me
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.