*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Yes, but it was never about money
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Come back with a warrant
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.