*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
You Might Also Like
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Need WebMD
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”