[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
You Might Also Like
ugh not again
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.