@ScottLinnen: Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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@TheBoghdady: "When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."
@shutupmikeginn: You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."
@maughammom: I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..