Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion