Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You Might Also Like
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me, in DM rooms…
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Why is this me 😫
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?