@NikiWithIssues: Going commando is the closest I'll ever get to joining the army.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: I haven’t tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on… *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
@trevso_electric: Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for "superficial"? "Shallow"? "Slave"? Or "soon to be obsolete"?
@Carbosly: Want to get rid of your husband without killing him? Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts. Mine has been gone 6 years.
@Bottle_of_Death: *Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?