Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You Might Also Like
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Happy Thanksgiving
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Who called it baking and not making love
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
December birthdays be like…
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.