A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
me irl
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing