Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.