Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens