@KateWhineHall: Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
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@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure
@TheTimmyToes: (car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes
@ceejoyner: Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
@AmishPornStar1: Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"