Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Worst Native American name ever.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
This kid is going places
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile