When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
mood
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.