@craiguito: My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn't realise he planned to be that person

@Home_Halfway: Can I still watch 300 if I haven't seen the first 299

@ThisOneSayz: Me: want a grilled cheese? 6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat. Me: you got it.

@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.

@Carmel_Coleman: I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.