[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship