Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Sounds like a bargain