[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The struggle is real
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum