[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
☠️☠️☠️
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes