@maebemarbles: Going to a baby shower and I'm real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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@daemonic3: [dj voice] "What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?" [dads in unison] DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
@PoliUncorrect: Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)