I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Alexa; make it look like an accident
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.