@DrawingShadows: Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.
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@ibid78: *interrupts your baby's first words* "IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT'S CALLED A PANDANA."
@david8hughes: [at the vets] He's really bad. He can't fly. "He's a cat though." [very sarcastically] oh I'm sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
@brendohare: Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
@CornOnTheGoblin: ♫ she's just a small time girl workin at Jurassic Woooorld opened a raptor cage now they're everywhere ♫