I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.