Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Where is your GOD now????
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
scares
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
my name if I was in the mob
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT