Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
hackers play passwordle
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.