Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?