Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Previously On Persistence 😎
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Trying
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur